Biden Announces Mueller As VP Choice: “Will Make Me Appear Less Senile”

(Washington, D.C.) – Former Vice President and Democratic presidential front-runner Joe Biden held a press conference today to announce Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller as his choice for running mate.

“I was really impressed with his tentacles, uh, testimony in front of the House Judiciary Commissary,” Biden slurred to reporters. “Having him on the ticket will make me appear less senile.”

Political pundits across the spectrum are confounded by the decision, with Biden having been largely expected to choose from one of the Democratic Party’s many “victim classes”.

“I can’t say I’m not disappointed,” California Sen. Kamala Harris told The Fake Scoop. “I tried to seal the deal by coming on to him, but he just sniffed my hair and walked away.”

Mueller’s Response Elusive

Reached for comment in his room at Grand Oaks – a Washington D.C. “memory care” facility – Mueller seemed to take the news in stride.

“First I’m hearing about it,” Mueller said, surrounded by cards congratulating him on the selection. “Can you repeat the question?”

Little Lifestyle Change

Susan Evans, 47, a nurse at the facility, provided The Fake Scoop with some insight into Mueller’s daily schedule.

“He mostly sits by the window staring at the grass”, she said. “That’s basically what people expect from the Vice President anyway.”