(Amsterdam, Netherlands) – In contrast to the “Coronavirus”, the China-borne illness causing worldwide concern, here in the land of windmills and tulips the “Heinekenvirus” is resulting in a raucous atmosphere.
“I’ve succumbed to the Heinekenvirus”, Dirk Dragonjer, 47, told The Fake Scoop. “And I couldn’t be happier.”
Although revelers in this canal-laden European city are often known to partake in its pot cafes and prostitutes, the Heinekenvirus appears to have taken precedence.
“Certainly I wouldn’t mind getting stoned with some Romainian whore,” said French tourist Sébastien Pasquier, 34. “But not if it means putting down this sweet green-bottled elixir.”
AmstelFlu Takes Back Seat
Normally this time of year workers in this region are calling out with the AmstelFlu, a particularly virulent sickness that has only appeared in the United States in “Light” form.
“My friends came over for a game of Klaverjas, and one of them brought a case of Amstel,” said Stans van Regteren, 26. “But I could only bring myself to drink five or six.”
Little Risk in America
Few in New York City appear to fear the HeinekenVirus taking over that cities’ drinking establishments anytime soon.
“It’s too skunky by the time it gets over here,” bartender Jefferey Franzen told reporters.