(New York City, NY) – Wealthy financier and accused sexual deviant Jeffery Epstein was found injured in his New York City jail cell today, curled up in the fetal position with marks around his neck.
Early indications are that his condition is the result of a late-night attack from supporters of President Donald Trump.
Epstein recounted the harrowing tale in a live interview with CNN:
“They just kept shouting those four awful words,” he said, holding back tears. “Then they poured Mountain Dew on me and put this string around my neck.”
“Look, I’m still wearing it!” he said, motioning towards the camera.
A Reasonable Request
His attorney – celebrity lawyer and new cellmate Michael Avenatti – released a statement blaming Trump, and demanding an immediate transfer for both him and Epstein.
“Jeff’s really interested in checking out female juvenile hall,” Avenatti wrote.