(Stanford, CA) – Biologists at Stanford University have unveiled a groundbreaking study that has turned conventional wisdom on its head.
“The results show that death is a part of life – one no human can escape,” the study’s lead author Dr. Paul Castaneda told The Fake Scoop. “Turns out life is temporary.”
The news may come as a shock to tens of millions of Americans staying sheltered in their homes, many whom had come to believe that death from the Coronavirus was the only way they would transcend beyond this Earth.
“You mean to say I can die at anytime, and it doesn’t even have to be from the Kung Flu?,” asked Robert L. Nash of Woodstock, GA. “Then why in the hell did they cancel Wrestlemania?”
Many Ways to Die
The study’s authors were surprised to discover a myriad ways to die not at all related to contracting the Coronavirus.
“There’s heart disease, cancer, stroke, slipping in the shower – life is trying to kill us,” Castaneda warned.
Stay-Alive Order
Scientists say that a vaccine for death could take years to become safely available, if it ever does at all.
“We’re having trouble finding volunteers for the clinical trials,” a spokesperson for GlaxoSmithKline told TFS.