(Miami, FL) – Police called to a Miami hotel room for a medical issue late Thursday night found former gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum naked and vomiting in the bathroom. Also discovered in the hotel room with him were a homosexual escort and three bags of the class A drug methamphetamine.
Gillum – who in 2018 was narrowly defeated in a race to become the governor of one of the nation’s most populous states – offered an unusual explanation for the late-night revelry.
“We were celebrating the first ever wedding held on a Thursday and things got out of hand,” Gillum told The Fake Scoop.
Gillum was able to provide no other details concerning this first ever Thursday wedding, which he chose to attend without his wife.
Attempts by the nation’s press corps to verify this information were stymied by the fact that they were non-existent.
“It’s true that possession of methamphetamine is a felony in all 50 states, but as we all know the law doesn’t apply to Democratic politicians,” Miami police spokesperson Steven Walsh wrote on Twitter.