FBI Asks Quarantined Americans to Follow Example of Serial Killers

(Washington, D.C.) – Governors across the country are urging Americans to stay in their homes in an attempt to contain the Novel Coronavirus, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation is offering advice for those having trouble adjusting.

“As we know from watching TV and movies, serial killers are social misfits who live in isolation and do not interact with others,” Ronald E. Conley – Special Agent in Charge at the law-enforcement agency’s Behavioral Analysis Unit – told The Fake Scoop. “This is the example we all need to follow.”

Only Isolation

Conley stressed that the loner-tendencies of serial killers are the only serial killer patterns Americans should imitate.

“We’re not recommending Americans start killing small animals for sick pleasure,” Conley told TFS. “At least not at this time.”

Killer Hiatus

When contacted for comment, Tustin, CA-area serial killer Nathan M. Mickel, 38, answered his door wearing a surgical mask.

“Go away,” he told this reporter. “I’m not killing anyone today.”