ACLU: Calling It a Pandemic is Offensive to Pansexuals

(Washington, D.C.) – Lawyers for the American Civil Liberties Union filed a lawsuit in Federal Court today in an attempt to stop the Trump Administration from referring to the Novel Coronavirus outbreak as a “pandemic”.

According to the filing the offensive term unfairly stigmatizes those eager to fuck anything that moves, a community known as Pansexuals.

“Whereas this virus is highly contagious, so are many Pansexuals, and they don’t appreciate the comparison,” the document reads.

Statistically Significant

While representing less than 1% of the U.S. population, Pansexuals make up roughly 73% of dues-paying ACLU members.

“It was either file this lawsuit or go to one of their weird parties,” a spokesperson told The Fake Scoop.

Portland Proud

The news was met with jubilation in downtown Portland, Oregon, and celebrations immediately commenced throughout the city’s many public gender-neutral restrooms.