Spokesman releases statement explaining caucus difficulties: “We’ve only had four years to prepare for this thing we’ve been doing since 1972”

(Des Moines, IA) – With the political world watching, the results of Monday night’s first-in-the-nation Iowa caucuses remain up in the air due to an apparent failure of the state Democrat party’s voting apparatus.

“Give us a break,” Iowa Democratic Party chairperson Troy Price told an assembled group of reporters. “Most of us are still hung over from the Superbowl”.

Online Conspiracies

Some social media users have questioned if the lack of results is indicative of something besides technical difficulties.

“First they wouldn’t release that Des Moines Register poll; now they won’t release the actual results,” tweeted user BernieBro234 in a message that led to his permanent ban from the service.

The Fix is In

When reached for comment, Iowa Secretary of State Paul D. Pate promised that authorities are well on their way to a solution.

“It’s a problem with these darn Diebold vote machines,” Pate told The Fake Scoop. “I’ve already contacted George Soros and he’ll have his people down here with a fix first thing in the morning.”