Nielson: Scrambled ‘Cinemax’ Channel Ratings Surpass Impeachment Inquiry Hearings

(New York, New York) – In a surprising announcement, ratings watchdog Nielson Media Group has released this week’s numbers for the Democrat’s much-heralded impeachment inquiry hearings – and they’re shown being bested by the scrambled ‘Cinemax’ channel.

“We’re not certain how this is possible,” wrote Nielson’s Vice President of Communications Sheryll Johnson. “We’re pretty sure this entertainment option is only available to those who still have analog televisions.”

Rave Reviews

The ratings bonanza for the scrambled ‘Cinemax’ channel encompassed several important demographic groups.

“I think I saw a breast,” 8-year-old Jacob Schulz told researchers. “It was awesome.”

“Woah,” said Chris Hoffman, 27, who came across the channel while tripping on 3 tabs of particularly potent LSD.

“Woah,” Hoffman elaborated.

Democrat Denial

At a Capital Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) appeared undeterred.

“We never expected to beat scrambled Cinemax,” Pelosi told reporters. “That’s just unrealistic.”